Frustrated

Today, I let my life get to me. I literally had to go into my closet and let a few tears fall while my students were in my room.
Thursday I started a project on the laptops. It was ridiculous. We spent an entire day trying to log on and couldn't succeed. My second class got on instantly and had no problems. Lisa R came down to help and spent the morning calling emergency help desk, which got us nowhere.
Friday, the same thing happens. The kids log-in and the stuff they saved has just disappeared. WHY? Where does it go? There is nothing good about asking a kid to completely start over. Or, they log in and just still aren't connected to the network.
So I go and know on IT guy's door and the first thing he says is, "You know, this only happens to you."
Well, gee. THANKS. What I do know is that this is not my fault. There's eithe rsomething interfering with the access point or whatever, but it's not becuase I'm technology illiterate. I'm beggng for help becuase I would like to NOT waste classtime.
So immediately I begin getting told, "You could have tried this. Did you even think of this?"
I am not a fan of being talked to like this. So I hang in there. I try to ask and answer questions. Then, just becuase it's that kind of day, IT tech is jiggling around the access point and he unplugs it. Just a mistake. An oops. But now we have to re-start laptops, which takes a LONG TIME. It was an accident, I get that. Just frustrating.
I guess what I'm saying here is I wish when it came to technology that we had people that could teach us. Work with us. Come in to classrooms and help us with the network part when we're stuck. Have someone there to TEACH you how to troubleshoot when you're on your own. I can't handle-me, over-sensitive, over-emoted, hormonal lady who is still grieving-I can't handle being talked to in any way but calm. I can't handle being accused or whatever. I just want someone to teach me, to help me grow, so that every time this happens (which is everytime we use computers) I can do some of the troubleshooting myself.
I get frustrated with how some of the students/teachers treat technology. Sometimes that labs get to me and half the computers aren't plugged in, they're in the wrong spots. You get in the lab and computers aren't plugged in, the mice are missing, they haven't put aything into helpdesk. And then you spend the class period cleaning up, trying to get somethign to work instead of the kids actually working on their stuff.
I really want to give up using technology. I'm ready to go back to making a posterboard with pictures from magazines like I did when I was in school. It's such a shame. BUt me going home crying from frustration every day we use the computer labs is not worth it to me. And even if I wasn't over-sensitive, grieving, and hormonal, I would not be happy right now.
I invited Jan Wee into my classroom next week for her to see what goes on. Maybe that will help?

A break

OK, so I had a mini-meltdown in my second 8th grade French class today. I have to say that overall, I can literally go days and days without having a single issue in my room. Honestly. It's set up so that they're (hopefully/ideally) motivated to speak French and not English, and having to listen to me in French makes it pretty necessary for them to pay attention. 8th graders get a little squirrely because it's right before lunch (and I can hear their stomachs growling-literally) and then right after lunch-but mostly-I can go days without having an issue.
Today I was tired. And crabby (read:hormonal and having lots and lots of morning sickness), but I was hanging in there. My morning went really well. 6th graders are studying he is/she is and adjectives, 7th grades looked at photos of past trips to France to talk to them a little of what it's like there, and 8th graders are learning the ever important verb "to be." I decided that they would be excited, so we'd try a game of pictionary, but with a twist. So one team draws, but any person in the room can stand up if they think they know it. I call on whoever and they have a chance. More people involved. Plus they were drawing entire sentences, like "They are listening to the radio."
1st class was fabulous.
2nd class just started off really criticizing each other. All I could hear was their tone. "Whyyy did you draw thaaaaat? That doesn't even look like blahblah".
I asked them to speak English. I asked them a few times. Then I just lost it!
I didn't yell, but I was like, "I need you guys to STOP criticizing each other. Seriously! Why do you feel the need? Do you think you could do better?"
Sort of lecturing.
They totally just stared at me because this is not typical Madame behavior. But I had just had it!
Times like this make me reflect . OK, now that it's over, what could I have done different/better?
I've thought about it, and I know I could've been calmer and had more of a discussion as a class, asked some questions-but there is a part of me that says sometimes it's ok for me to really tell them what I think. Not yell or be rude, obviously, but say, "Hey! What you're doing is not ok!"

Ugh. I'm very glad it's break :) I could use a few days off.

Encouragement

I just got a text from a colleague who also happens to have a son in my 8th grade French class. She texted to tell me that her son was having a sleepover and that the 4 boys were all singing and talking in French the whole night.
This is what will get me through.

grrrrrrr

Sometimes, I cannot STAND technology!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A New Year

So, after almost exactly a year, I am going to re-start up this blog. I'm using it now to reflect on my teaching so that I can keep my job :) Sort of. Anyway, I'm using it as a reflection tool, and I sure do loooove reflection.
In some ways I can hardly believe that a quarter of this school year is done. In other ways, it has been a really long 9 weeks.
I've just come to the realization that I simply am not able to completely separate my job from my life. Sometimes one just gets in the way of the other.
I've found it's just better to be honest. If I tell the kids what is going on, they just say, "Oh, ok" and they move on with their day. It takes me a few seconds to say, "Yo-bad anniversary today-missing the babies/missing Rudy." I don't need to go into detail. I certainly don't need them to really know anything personal about me. But they should know on the days when I am just completely not myself that I have a reason why. I just can't take off every day that I am sad. Heck, I would hardly ever work! I have to get through it.
It has taught me a lot about myself. That I am strong-stronger than I think. That I my brain can beat a lot of what my heart thinks it can't. Some days, I close that door when the kids are gone and I sob. But, I think-and I hope-that to the outside world (except for the few people I let in) I look like I'm doing just fine. Moving "forward" with my life (whatever that means).
The one thing that's been very hard for me this year is my lack of concentration. I literally can't seem to focus on anything for more than just a little while and I get distracted. Thoughts of my outside life push their way in. It's getting less, better, easier, but I'm disappointed by my work ethic.
I am a hard worker. I want to work hard. I like it. I like the outcome. I like how I feel when I have had a productive day.
I feel like now, I'm pushing myself just to get my regular job stuff done. That the extras that I used to do, and thrive on, are getting pushed aside. I'm too disgusted to take work home with me most days. I know I shouldn't "have" to, but that's not the point. Kids ask about French Club. Honestly, I don't get paid for French Club, it's not a recognized club, and my heart is just not in it. Would anyone fault me for that? Not so much. But I feel the guilt!
I guess, the bulk of this post is me saying that I'm sort of disappointed in my work. I know Im' doing what's needed. I'm meeting deadlines, the kids would never know I'm doing less-but I am. And it hurts me. And I wish I were doing it for different reasons (i.e. having infant twins at home!).