A New Year

So, after almost exactly a year, I am going to re-start up this blog. I'm using it now to reflect on my teaching so that I can keep my job :) Sort of. Anyway, I'm using it as a reflection tool, and I sure do loooove reflection.
In some ways I can hardly believe that a quarter of this school year is done. In other ways, it has been a really long 9 weeks.
I've just come to the realization that I simply am not able to completely separate my job from my life. Sometimes one just gets in the way of the other.
I've found it's just better to be honest. If I tell the kids what is going on, they just say, "Oh, ok" and they move on with their day. It takes me a few seconds to say, "Yo-bad anniversary today-missing the babies/missing Rudy." I don't need to go into detail. I certainly don't need them to really know anything personal about me. But they should know on the days when I am just completely not myself that I have a reason why. I just can't take off every day that I am sad. Heck, I would hardly ever work! I have to get through it.
It has taught me a lot about myself. That I am strong-stronger than I think. That I my brain can beat a lot of what my heart thinks it can't. Some days, I close that door when the kids are gone and I sob. But, I think-and I hope-that to the outside world (except for the few people I let in) I look like I'm doing just fine. Moving "forward" with my life (whatever that means).
The one thing that's been very hard for me this year is my lack of concentration. I literally can't seem to focus on anything for more than just a little while and I get distracted. Thoughts of my outside life push their way in. It's getting less, better, easier, but I'm disappointed by my work ethic.
I am a hard worker. I want to work hard. I like it. I like the outcome. I like how I feel when I have had a productive day.
I feel like now, I'm pushing myself just to get my regular job stuff done. That the extras that I used to do, and thrive on, are getting pushed aside. I'm too disgusted to take work home with me most days. I know I shouldn't "have" to, but that's not the point. Kids ask about French Club. Honestly, I don't get paid for French Club, it's not a recognized club, and my heart is just not in it. Would anyone fault me for that? Not so much. But I feel the guilt!
I guess, the bulk of this post is me saying that I'm sort of disappointed in my work. I know Im' doing what's needed. I'm meeting deadlines, the kids would never know I'm doing less-but I am. And it hurts me. And I wish I were doing it for different reasons (i.e. having infant twins at home!).