Goals

My goal for this year is not being met (nor will it, I'm afraid). My original goal was to get all my assessments recorded and online. The problem is I have re-do my whole scope and sequence because of the middle school schedule change, on top of the fact that us going through as a department and doing our ELOs is prompting us to re-do some of our assessments.
So, as everything changes, it doesn't make sense to get these assessments done. On top of it, I've only done the first two more than once this year to know if they work since my classes got changed to 5 weeks.

I am really, really struggling with the 5 week thing. I'm feeling more than burnt-out. Like, for example, I feel like if I teach the alphabet one more time, I am going to bang my head against the wall! And the problem is that I would just go ahead and switch that and teach something else, but it's more beneficial for the kids to all go into 7th grade knowing the same thing (well, except for the random kids that had 14 weeks of it).

I feel like such a disaster going into next year. I have no idea how I'm going to split up classes, and I have no clue what I should do when I get kids that have variable amounts of French. I know they can always use review, but that's only to a certain extent. And the weirdest part is that, hopefully, I will be on maternity leave at the beginning of the year, so I'll have a sub navigating through the first time changing to every-other-day classes as well as this first time seeing what will take 9 weeks.

I guess I know I can't worry about it too much, but honestly-what happens in the beginning could make or break the year for me. I care so much about the students and what they're getting and I know I've said this before, but I don't feel like this is going to be a good fit for me. I pride myself on the good rapport I have with students and I just can't see that happening with over 300 kids every other day. It is really not a good spot in my life to switch jobs or even content areas, but I'm nervous. Nervous about the stress, about the toll it will take on me, nervous about whether or not I'll be able to handle it. Only time will tell, I guess!

A First.

So, I got new 6th graders this week.
I start off the first day of French class the same way each time.
I have a discussion in the beginning about what they need to bring, do, and the one rule in my classroom that no other classroom has (no English!).
I also tell them WHY I do this, so they don't think it's just for something to do.
I also usually ask them to tell me what they've already heard about French class. I've been doing this for 6 years. Always, I get kids who raise their hands and say "I heard it's fun!" "I heard you play with barbies" "I heard you tell funny stories"
Now, I'm sure that other kids have heard other things, I get that. I teach hundreds of kids each year and I'm not delusional to think that every kid loves French class.
But no one is going to say that to me.
So I thought.
So this girl in the back raises her hand and says, "I've heard from a LOT of kids that it is stupid and dumb."
I was dumbfounded. She was SO snotty in how she said it. And I felt my face burn red and that burning feeling inside.
After school that day a colleague came up to me at a staff meeting and said, "Christy-I just have to tell you. In advisory this morning, I was telling kids what applieds they were changing to and everytime I told someone they had French, they were like, "Oh, you're going to love it! It's so fun!"
I was sooooo thankful for that.
And then the next day came and I saw that girl come in and I was all mad all over again.
So we had normal class and I ended two minutes early, like I typically do in the beginning, to debrief. I asked them how it was going-anything I could do better?
Some kids raised their hand and said it was easier than they thought it would.
That girl raised her hand and I was actually hesitant to call on her-namely because I thought perhaps she was a little disrespectful, ya know? So she says, "I think this is so fun. I'm so glad I have French right now and I already know I'm going to take it next year."

Um.

What?

Seriously.

Placement Test

Today after school the first group of 8th graders took their French placement test. This test would qualify them to jump to French 2 in the high school instead of French 1. It is an amazing opportunity for them!
The 2 high school teachers came over to help me administer the test because of the speaking/questioning part. I could never finish on my own! It went really well. Tonight we had 14 kids. 10 of them passed! This is amazing.
There's something so fulfulling about seeing them succeed. About knowing that I had a hand in it, too :) And knowing that what I teach to them is somehow sinking in!
They are so excited about French. It makes me feel pretty amazing. And proud. And humbled. And excited!

Today was one of the most frustrating days at work I've had in a really long time.
I am beginning to feel like the middle school is not the right place for me.
I feel like the unprofessionalism is spreading; it's morphing into what it was like the first year I came.
All I want is to ask questions.
All I want is straight answers.
All I want is what is best for kids.
And being accused of only thinking about my program makes me feel so unbelievably insulted. Mainly because if I were only thinking about my program I could have SO much more to say. I could be the loudest squeaky wheel there ever was. There is an amazing amount of pressure from the high school that comes down on Myriam and I because we are a 6-12 program. I could complain about all of that, about how every summer since I've been at the middle school (save for this past one) I've had to re-arrange curriculum, revamp the high school placement test, re-do, re-use, re-cycle.
But I don't. I don't mention it.
Instead I express my concerns that this is NOT what is best for students.
And I don't get answers; I get blamed.
I get snapped at.
I get condescended to.
"But don't you want to..."
And what if I don't? And what if I don't agree?
And the fact that some content areas are not required by the DPI, which is a valid piece of information that the scheduling committee uses, is instead used in what seems to me to be a threat.
Well, don't complain, because you know-you're not even required.
Well, I may not be, but that is the content that I was hired to teach. And I was hired, and am employed, am in fact tenured and I also hold a wide license and can teach any subject in grades 1-9.
So, then I start to think.
Maybe I should just leave. Maybe the philosophy that we are basing things on is just too different from my own. Maybe I need to chance schools or content areas.

I cried in a meeting today. I am hormonal, and frustrated, and angry and feel devalued. And because NINE MONTHS AGO AT THAT VERY HOUR MY SON DIED. And I felt so bad for myself. I felt so embarassed.

And so I was seven minutes late for my 8th graders. 30 of them, all in my room. I worried that they would be all over the place.

I walked in, and all 30 kids are sitting in their groups, working on their final exam review that they had started the day before.
I started cryign all over again.

Because THAT is why I do this. THAT is why I work so hard. THAT is why I give it all I've got. THAT is why the thought of getting new classes every 5 weeks makes me sick to my stomach because I'm not physically and emotionally able to give eveyrthing of myself in that amoutn of time.

That is why I became a teacher. To build relationships and trust and a community in my classroom. Not to shuffle kids through just to say we did.

Perhaps I'm better meant to serve somewhere else. Perhaps this will all blow over.

Right now I'm very, very concerned about my health. I can't let this stress affect me. I need to stay calm and relaxed because I have a baby to think about. And I'm not doing a very good job. I honestly have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach about meeting again about this tomorrow. I really don't want to go. I don't want to be stressed out and worried. But if I don't stand up for what I think is best for students, then I will end up teaching 5 week classes for the rest of this year, which is even worse for my baby. I will physically be unable to do it (the way I want and need to in order to feel like I'm giving the kids a real opportunity). Financially I'm not able to take a leave of absence, so I'm stuck either way.

I feel sick.

Politics

The politics of teaching are something that have long escaped me. I hate how we let "issues" get in the way of what's really important: the children!
Last night I attended a school board meeting to show my support for our DESPERATE need for new/more technology in our school district. There are many things I am proud of about Holmen-and the one thing that I am embarassed of is the state of our technology.
However, while waiting for Jan to speak, there was a visit from Rep. Mike Huebsch, who spoke about the "Race to the Top." I honestly didn't know too much about it-I knew of it, and I had heard some rumblings of some issues coming out of LaCrosse, but wasn't too "in the know."
The thing that caught me was that he said there's basically no way we can get any of these race to the top dollars unless we try to make reforms across the state. But then he said that really, it's only Milwaukee Public SChools that need these reforms.
So, one of the school board members asked "Look-if realistically, MPS needs the reform, then why try to impose it on us?"
What a good question, right?
I mean, we are fine.
We have good graduation rates.
"Good" parental involvement.
No gangs,etc.
Someone else said, "Why couldn't premier school districts mentor school districts in MIlwaukee?"
Now, I'm not sure I could have a foot to stand on trying to mentor a teacher who teaches in MPS. I understand that life there is SO different from life here. For the most part (although we do have some very sad things) kids here live in a house with at least one of their parents. Just that stands us apart.
But it all comes back to politics.
There always seems to be a hidden agenda.
And what bugged me was that Mr. Huebsch said, honestly-we are in the top 10 states in the US for our public schools, so there's really not a good chance we could get these race to the top dollars.
If we're doing ok-shouldn't we leave the money for the school districts that are going to self-destruct?
The conversation went on from there with unfunded mandates and the like and my head was sort of swimming. But it made me think even about just our middle school.
Politics.
Decision making.
Hidden Agendas.
Conspiracy theorists :)
I mean, really-I've had so many conversations with people that are that whatever is being done for a "reason." They're positive they know why. Sometimes I just shrug it off. I have to say that sometimes I agree.
The applieds schedule change for next year befuddles me.
I have HUGE concerns about it. But, honestly-I don't really feel like my opinions are being valued. I don't feel like the decisions are data driven. And I don't see it being in the best interest of the students.
So, do politics play a part? I think a lot of people think they do. I"m not sure-but I know that the field of education looks less and less appealing to me when these politics are involved.

Frustrated

Today, I let my life get to me. I literally had to go into my closet and let a few tears fall while my students were in my room.
Thursday I started a project on the laptops. It was ridiculous. We spent an entire day trying to log on and couldn't succeed. My second class got on instantly and had no problems. Lisa R came down to help and spent the morning calling emergency help desk, which got us nowhere.
Friday, the same thing happens. The kids log-in and the stuff they saved has just disappeared. WHY? Where does it go? There is nothing good about asking a kid to completely start over. Or, they log in and just still aren't connected to the network.
So I go and know on IT guy's door and the first thing he says is, "You know, this only happens to you."
Well, gee. THANKS. What I do know is that this is not my fault. There's eithe rsomething interfering with the access point or whatever, but it's not becuase I'm technology illiterate. I'm beggng for help becuase I would like to NOT waste classtime.
So immediately I begin getting told, "You could have tried this. Did you even think of this?"
I am not a fan of being talked to like this. So I hang in there. I try to ask and answer questions. Then, just becuase it's that kind of day, IT tech is jiggling around the access point and he unplugs it. Just a mistake. An oops. But now we have to re-start laptops, which takes a LONG TIME. It was an accident, I get that. Just frustrating.
I guess what I'm saying here is I wish when it came to technology that we had people that could teach us. Work with us. Come in to classrooms and help us with the network part when we're stuck. Have someone there to TEACH you how to troubleshoot when you're on your own. I can't handle-me, over-sensitive, over-emoted, hormonal lady who is still grieving-I can't handle being talked to in any way but calm. I can't handle being accused or whatever. I just want someone to teach me, to help me grow, so that every time this happens (which is everytime we use computers) I can do some of the troubleshooting myself.
I get frustrated with how some of the students/teachers treat technology. Sometimes that labs get to me and half the computers aren't plugged in, they're in the wrong spots. You get in the lab and computers aren't plugged in, the mice are missing, they haven't put aything into helpdesk. And then you spend the class period cleaning up, trying to get somethign to work instead of the kids actually working on their stuff.
I really want to give up using technology. I'm ready to go back to making a posterboard with pictures from magazines like I did when I was in school. It's such a shame. BUt me going home crying from frustration every day we use the computer labs is not worth it to me. And even if I wasn't over-sensitive, grieving, and hormonal, I would not be happy right now.
I invited Jan Wee into my classroom next week for her to see what goes on. Maybe that will help?

A break

OK, so I had a mini-meltdown in my second 8th grade French class today. I have to say that overall, I can literally go days and days without having a single issue in my room. Honestly. It's set up so that they're (hopefully/ideally) motivated to speak French and not English, and having to listen to me in French makes it pretty necessary for them to pay attention. 8th graders get a little squirrely because it's right before lunch (and I can hear their stomachs growling-literally) and then right after lunch-but mostly-I can go days without having an issue.
Today I was tired. And crabby (read:hormonal and having lots and lots of morning sickness), but I was hanging in there. My morning went really well. 6th graders are studying he is/she is and adjectives, 7th grades looked at photos of past trips to France to talk to them a little of what it's like there, and 8th graders are learning the ever important verb "to be." I decided that they would be excited, so we'd try a game of pictionary, but with a twist. So one team draws, but any person in the room can stand up if they think they know it. I call on whoever and they have a chance. More people involved. Plus they were drawing entire sentences, like "They are listening to the radio."
1st class was fabulous.
2nd class just started off really criticizing each other. All I could hear was their tone. "Whyyy did you draw thaaaaat? That doesn't even look like blahblah".
I asked them to speak English. I asked them a few times. Then I just lost it!
I didn't yell, but I was like, "I need you guys to STOP criticizing each other. Seriously! Why do you feel the need? Do you think you could do better?"
Sort of lecturing.
They totally just stared at me because this is not typical Madame behavior. But I had just had it!
Times like this make me reflect . OK, now that it's over, what could I have done different/better?
I've thought about it, and I know I could've been calmer and had more of a discussion as a class, asked some questions-but there is a part of me that says sometimes it's ok for me to really tell them what I think. Not yell or be rude, obviously, but say, "Hey! What you're doing is not ok!"

Ugh. I'm very glad it's break :) I could use a few days off.